Before I became a mother, nobody warned me about the things I would hear coming from my own mouth.
I mean, I knew about the “Pretty is as pretty does,” and “You made your bed, now lie in it,” and “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit,” sort of things that would come out of my mouth. Yes, I expected all of that.
But what I did not expect was the absolutely absurd things I would find myself saying. Ridiculously absurd things.
This all came up in a conversation I had with my friend Diane the other day. She was on her way back to her apartment with her five children and several loaves of bread. Her toddler was carrying a bag of bread for her. As she and I stood talking, he clearly got bored with it all and sat down on a nearby step. But I suppose the step was hard and uncomfortable because little Sammy decided he needed a nice cushion to sit on. Well, you know where this is going. All Sammy had was that bag of bread, so he sat on it.
So my friend Diane found herself exclaiming, “Don’t sit on the bread!”
As Diane and I shook our heads, we marveled at the things we’ve found ourselves saying over the years.
I have actually heard myself saying, “Don’t put your toes in your baby brother’s mouth!”
To which a child old-enough-to-know-better protested, “But he likes it! Watch him! He likes sucking on my toe!”
Thus I found myself in a discussion about the uncleanliness of sucking other people’s toes and how it doesn’t matter if a nine-month-old thinks he likes something, the momma has the final say.
Before I had kids, nobody told me I’d ever have to say stuff like, “Don’t put your toes in the baby’s mouth!”
I’ve also said or heard some other mother say all of these things —
* We don’t put dogfood in our mouths.
* We don’t put dogfood in our brothers’ mouths.
* We don’t lick other people’s blood.
* Please don’t let your brother drink from the toilet.
* If you see your little brother put your sister’s toothbrush in the toilet, you should tell her BEFORE she uses it next time.
* You may not pee in the trashcan. You may only pee in the toilet.
* You may not carry a dead lizard into our home. Dead lizards are not pets.
* Please don’t let your baby brother pick your nose.
I guess I just assumed a lot of these were sort of a given. But I have learned that nothing is a given when you have boys. Well, come to think of it, some of these things I’ve said to my daughters. So it’s not just boys. All of them have, at times, acted like they’d been raised by wolves thus far.
How about you ? What ridiculously absurd things have you heard yourself saying to your children?