Looking For Me

OK. Before I start today, I just want to say that no matter what I am about to say, I love being a mom. I love my six children. They are wonderful and beautiful, and I’m sure they will grow into adults I am proud of. I love my husband. I’ve covered that in a recent post. šŸ™‚ And I love being a stay-at-home mom. I would not want to miss out on the day-to-day stuff of raising my children. I love being the one to watch the amazing discoveries in Caleb’s “Will It Float?” games; and I’m so glad I am the one to help settle the arguments and restore peace; and I wouldn’t want anyone else helping them learn their colors or letters.

Now, having said that, I need to vent.

In the day-to-day-ness of raising these children, it is very easy to lose myself. This is one of those weeks.

Our house is a wreck. We have too many people and too much stuff crammed in here. I need a bulldozer to come through and take it all away (just the stuff, not the people). I want to clean a room (or I’d settle for a corner of a room) and have it stay clean and orderly for more than three minutes. I am tired of cleaning up cereal that got dumped out onto the counter, then the floor, when someone was sneaking a handful. I am tired of fishing a boy out of the dog’s water or the bathroom sink. I’m tired of stepping on Legos and Little People.

Yes, I know, there will be a day when the children are long gone and I’ll desperately want to step on a Lego again. But please, humor me, I’m in the middle of this now; and if I step on one more Little Person, I may have to throw Maggie and Eddie and Farmer Jed right out the window.

I’m also sick of the smell of urine. I’m tired of bed-wetting and leaky diapers. It’s almost impossible to get the smell of pee out of fleece blankets! Yes, I know white vinegar can do the trick; but I really wish I didn’t *have* to know that!

I used to diagram sentences for fun! I used to read actual literature. Now I’m lucky to get through an entire article in Reader’s Digest. I used to speak in multisyllables. I used to have entire conversations without anybody touching my arm to interrupt (five hundred times). I used to leave scissors out in plain view, never dreaming the day would come when I’d hide them and then sneak away to retrieve them when I needed to cut something.

Somewhere deep inside me is a witty person, able to carry on long, intelligent conversations. Somewhere in there is a woman who loves to travel –without packing everything in our house. Somewhere, buried under the nose-wiper, sandwich-maker I have become, is a person who listens to music that isn’t sung by someone in costume.

On days like this and weeks like this, I want to scream and remind myself — I am more than a yucky-smell-remover. I am more than a toy-picker-upper. I am more than a bottom-wiper and diaper-changer. I am more than a laundry-folder. I am smart and capable and I will not be undone by the actions of a two-year-old. I could be doing anything, anything, I wanted to; and I am here wiping noses, picking up toys, settling arguments, washing bedding because I want to be here. I have chosen this. I intentionally choose to lay aside Jane Austen and pick up Sandra Boynton. I intentionally choose to put away Trivial Pursuit and pull out Candyland.

Whew! That helps. I feel better already. And after the kids go to bed, I can get out Jane Austen and Trivial Pursuit and feel like me again. Just a few more hours to go!

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1 Comment

Filed under Family, motherhood

One response to “Looking For Me

  1. Now see… there’s your problem! You need Vitamin A!! (A for Austen) Remember, you can read in the bathroom, while you’re eating, (I’ve been known to eat my lunch sitting in the floor of my gated kitchen), While outside… Get thee some Austen forthwith! It’s therapy! Plus, you can always watch Pride and Prejudice (A&E version, of course) or Emma while the little ones are awake… there is nothing little eyes can’t see in those!

    Big hugs from one mom to another!!

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